Hillary has escaped prosecution more times than El Chapo. Perhaps Sean Penn should interview her. Carly Fiorina
To: Hillary Clinton
From: Joe Eszterhas
Subject: Your incarceration
Let’s be real. Sure, there’ll be some rough spots but you’ve always been a tough old broad. You can overcome them. I have faith in you.
Most important: You have to use your clout and political connections to make sure you get into the Alderson Federal Prison Camp in West Virginia, often named as the most luxurious federal prison facility in the federal system.
Martha Stewart stayed there: It’s a dormitory complex. There are no cells. Each dorm room houses two women. There is a TV room and a library. There are yoga and exercise classes; cosmetic classes and stress relief classes. There are no prison walls. There is a sort of fence. But it’s to keep tourists out, not “prisoners”…“guests”…in. After Martha got out of her dormitory, she said, “It’s been a far better experience than I anticipated.”
So you’ve just got to get into Alderson! I’d set the wheels in motion right now, Hilla. The Big Dog must have something on someone in the Justice Department. Get the Dog to start working on this, Hilla. Now. Right now!
Hilla, speaking of those “rough spots”, Martha said, I’m sorry to say, that the food sucked…just sucked…ass. Potatoes and more potatoes. Green orange soyburgers. Now listen to me: If you eat all that food, sweetcheeks, you’ll get even fatter. So…exercise. Use the stairmaster in your dormitory gym. And Martha said she didn’t have access to either email or a computer and had to use an old prison typewriter to write and then mail her letters to friends. But maybe you can use The Big Dog again. Maybe he can bribe someone to get you a nice little smartphone. I know how much you like smartphones, and emails!
And…Martha used to play Scrabble a lot in her dorm with her daughter… until her daughter started beating her. So… maybe you can play Scrabble with Chelsea, but warn her not to start beating you.
I don’t think The Big Dog is the Scrabble-type. But maybe you two guys can invent some kind of a new/old nostalgic game you can have fun with. (Stay away from his cigars, though–although I’m assuming he doesn’t dare to use them internally or to smoke them anymore.) Be careful about cameras, though, especially when you and The Big Dog are together. When Martha was in her dorm, somebody slipped a camera into the room and one of her imprisoned sisters took an image of her that made the cover of the tabloids. Understand, please, darling, that a photo of you in the shower naked, with or without The Big Dog…would probably fetch more money than Dead Elvis in his casket.
You’ll have to have a job in your dorm, of course. The best job, I hear, is to wipe the tables in the cafeteria. You’ve been in a lot of the best restaurants in the world, dumpling, but what’s the big deal about wiping a table down? I’m sure you don’t want to clean the shitters instead. Put The Big Dog on it. Now. Right now! He’s always done what you’ve wanted him to do. (Except that one thing, of course). He’s beaten down now – he’ll do it. You can do this! You can overcome prison. You can overcome dorm life. If they like you in your dorm, you can even organize a new political movement based on prisoners who’ve been unjustly accused and convicted of crimes they didn’t commit. You’d even get Black Lives Matter to support you. Martha was so popular in her dorm that the other sisters and prisoners renamed her: M-Diddy! How does Hill-Diddy sound to you?
Good luck, Sugartits! All the best and God bless–
P.S. Halfway through your term…have The Big Dog and Chelsea and that Russian dweeb she married…and your grandchildren visit you in your dorm. Make a big-buck deal with People Magazine to cover it. The headline should be: VISITING MOM IN PRISON.